I think of myself as a Phoenix

Born I am with the pain of life
Reborn I am every stride
Born i am within the light
I am reborn, I'm just filled with might

I am a phoenix
A phoenix I tell u

Grateful I stay, I am proud
Grateful I lay, on this beautiful cloud
Oh how I wish the real world wasnt so loud
Grateful I weigh, my opinions down on your beautiful mind
Oh dear, how I wish you would just be kind
Grateful I stand, right here in front of you
Dear Jesus, why wont U just stop hitting me
Why cant you see im already dying
Bleeding  my pride, appreciation n love
Out go my thoughts fears and pains
I died cuz' of this game called life
Reborn I am, in each and every stride in this  horrible fucking game...
The game I called life.

Reborn I am a phoenix
I died when I endured life's hard licks
I grow older and more tired every time it ticks

Why dont u love me?
You killed me!
Are you happy?!
You have the worst habits
You swear, u were never an addict

I am a phoenix
Reborn I am grateful.
Bleeding  what makes me sad
Reborn I am
Grateful I stand
WithIn these sands that can tell time
Why does this shit got to rhyme
Could u please just tell me the fuckin time?
Please Don't think Im lying
Cuz truly I am dying
As I sit here crying
I am a Phoenix
I am a phoneix

Reborn from the ashes of my depression, disceretions and fake ass friends
Reborn I stand
Proud I am
Grateful I grind
The gears in my mind
To wrap my mind
Around that beautiful thing
That is you
I can't fucking believe what we went thru
We are thru you said oh god it cant be true
Ever since, I was different without you

I am a phoenix
I am a phoenix
Why do I have to learn from this
Fuck did I really earn this
Why me?!
All I wanted was to experience bliss
Just for 2 seconds
Just a blissful kiss
Fuck! Wait, what did I miss?

Grateful, I fly
A phoenix, I grieve at the thought
That From this life, I might die
Sitting on my high horse
Devouring the main course
Of this plate thats full
From the tasks of my life
Savoring every bite
Of Every life that flies by
Grateful I cry
Trying to not be sad
Goodbye my young lad

I am a phoenx
I might add

A phoenix my young lad
Fuck yeah I am glad
Stronger I stand
Smarter I sit a this table of cards
Playing this shitty hand delt by dealer
That is this life
Hoping it won't topple over
Sorry my story isnt over
And neither isnt my life
Thats the game
The game I called life

The crash...

The crash….

I remember waiting for that bus

I even remember talking to that couple

I remember flying as high as a kite

Cuz’ of weed and ish

God I pray to know why it came to this

 I had a sinking feeling 

that my life is going to be changed forever

Oh how I wish I wasn't right 

I remember putting my bus money in the machine 

going all the way to the back 

with the love of my life by my side 

with him happily talking

With me quietly writing

 God told me to write something 

I wrote who I was and who to call 

then I wrote his name too 

and then said my goodbyes to all

I knew it was my time

 I begged and prayed for God to let me live

 I wasn't ready to go yet

 but if it was my time to let me know

I look up at you as you gasp 

And say it is time my love 

you hold my hand as the tires 

Screeched the booms filled my ears

screams teared through the air

Then I saw my body below me

I didn't know what to do

I was scared 

but I knew God was here 

he held my hand and said 

Kim is not your time no not yet 

he gave me a hug 

I could breathe again 

I frantically got up 

finding bodies all around Me 

I begged and pleaded

And screamed why can't you hug them 

bring them back 

They are lost and scared 

hold their hand 

guide them 

light their way

Another boom 

another car crashed into our bus

Glass flying 

the bus slowly turning on its side

Babies crying

 but there were not babies on this bus

 where are those babies that I hear

I wake up in the hospital 

surrounded by my family 

they're all gathered around me

My daughter smiling at me 

but I realize she's not the daughter that I left 

she is no longer a newborn 

but a three-year-old

 my husband holding my hand

Crying tears of joy

My husband says

 you survived the crash my love

I begged and pleaded for you to wake up

 you have been in a come on my love 

the doctor said

 it was a miracle

 I reply yes it was

God hugged me

God held me 

and he said it wasn't my time no not yet 

I wept and wept 

I look at my daughter 

made up for lost time

 God took hold of me 

he's never once left me since

The fragile gift...

My fragile little gift 

Cigarettes and coffee 

Have to get my morning start

Off to work as the morning departs 

Why is my life falling apart

I get in my car 

N get to work

I wish I had a job better than this

Flipping burgers

Covered in grease

Teen cashiers filled with lust and covered in acne

Ohh I wish I could get out of this scene

I just wish I could come clean

God I wish I didn't have to fake a smile

Why do I live in such denial

Why did I agree to walking down the isle

I get home and I cry

Why did I say I do 

Why did I become his bride

A Bruised and abused spouse

He calls me damaged goods 

Why am I bleeding

Why am I seeing blood

I was so caught up in all of this

I didn't know he existed

Unfortunately the little one is resting

I never even got the chance to start nesting

God help me why is this happening to me

I love you Jordan Rest In Peace

Ohh how I wish I had you next to me

Beat me n broke me til I blacked out

Sent you to the beautiful kingdom up above 

You 7 months in the making my love

I realized I had lost my everything my world, my love, my little lion cub

I was all alone in this world once again

Oh Jayden I'm sorry

You were a fragile gift 

That was shaken n stirred

To the point that all you heard is the glass move when it was turned

Ohh Jayden Im a horrible person

No mommy I know you fought 

I know you screamed

Your life was falling apart at the seams 

Oh honey I love you 

Mommy I love you too

My life was becoming too much

Overwhelming 

Tense to the touch

Ohh how I wish that we could become one

But I'm not even half the person I thought I was 

Oh god why did I loose him 

His life hadn't even begun

Ohh Jayden I'm done 

No mommy you cannot

Ohh Jayden I've grown tired n weary

No mommy

You have never been this strong

Ohh mommy I wish i could've felt your warm touch

Oh Jayden you are my angel above

Looking down at your mommy 

Who's learned to call cold n hatred warmth and love

Ohh baby I'm sorry I don't deserve to be your mom

Ohh Jayden I wish I could still have you on this earth with me

Oh mommy you do 

Me and you have become one

Oh how I wish I could've carried you to term my little love bug 

Oh how I wish I could've given birth to you 

The lights got soo bright

So intense 

They became too much

That light is beautiful isn't mommy

Yes my love it is

Mommy I missed you

I've missed you too my little lion cub

Mommy mommy you wanna play 

No honey mommy needs to rest

So mommy lays her head down 

N falls asleep

My mommy looks so beautiful 

She's finally at peace

She went to sleep 

And she came back to me

Oh Jayden I missed you my son ohh mommy let's go walk on the water it will be fun

He grabs my hand 

As the golden gates appear

Ohh god thank you for sending my son

I felt at peace and ohh I was stunned 

Come on my children I want to welcome you to my heavenly kingdom 

I cried with my son in my arms

Held the lord's hand 

And I asked ohh god why did you claim my son before his life had begun?

He said because my child he is your strength your rock your reason to fight 

Yes Heavenly Father you are right

But why did he leave so soon

Because he was a gift that wasn't meant to be opened yet my love 

R.i.p. Jayden Blissful Wong 

I love you my little lion cub 

Mommy is gonna get better okay

I'm sorry that this happened to you my precious little gift

I will see you again when it's my time my love. 

I promise Jayden I will see you again okay...

And I'll bring you your lion...

Seams

seams are sutures that keep things together 

They keep the truth of realities unspoken

They keep things together when they are at their worst 

where was this when I was growing up, 

when my family was torn apart? 

loosing my family my friends

having a daughter and loosing her and the love of my life 

as well

My life is no longer my life but a nightmarish reality of 

my worst fears coming to life

And the depression keeping from being all I should be

But nobody wants to except that I'm person I want to be 

I'm exhausted with this

I'm exhausted with what my life has become 

When did my nightmares and my life become one

My life is falling apart at the seams

I try and sew them back together over and over but they never stay

I sew and sew and sew but no matter how much I sew or thread is around it

They bust apart as if the others existence is repulsive in such a nature

My life is falling apart at the seams 

But right now I can't seem to keep myself together 

In all honesty...

In all honesty....

In all honesty 

I love you

I cant live without you

I do not know what i would do without you

But I feel like 

I'm not good enough

In all honesty

You're my world

You make me feel so special

You are always there for me when I need you

But I feel like

I am not a good enough girlfriend

In all honesty 
I feel like I have failed you 
I feel like I am no longer the person I was 
I feel like I am not good enough for anybody anymore
But I feel happy 
I'm going to be a mom soon

In all honesty 
Whose gonna want me?
Whose gonna take care of me the way you do?
Nobody is gonna care about me the way I care about you
But I got used to this 
Everyone cheats on me sooner or later

The reunion.....

The Reunion

I remember the day we were torn apart

The day I lost my other half

We were young and naive

But too young to know 

That I wouldnt be coming home 

We grew up with an addict of a mother 

Even though she didnt care for us 

We took care of each other 

Grew up with a Ladies man for a father 

Who flirted and reproduced with everyone 

but his own mother 

We knew we could count on each other 

That we would always be there for each other 

But we were seperated 

I was taken from all of you

We were split up and divided up 

We all went our seperate ways 

As if we were a black family being auctioned off 

one by one to the highest bidder

Many years later 

We found each other 

We reconnected 

It felt like the way things used to be 

You know when I was not half the person I used to be 

I promise brother 

I will not leave you again 

I promise I will take care of you

You will not have to suffer again 

I told him....

But all he said was...

I used to believe that brother 

When I was young and naive 

But you left me 

You left all of us 

Why come back now? 

I came to see how you are 

Who you are 

and where you've been 

No brother. 

This isnt a reunion 

this isnt a get together 

This is me telling you 

That I dont need you 

That I suffered

and you werent there 

Leave brother....

Im not longer young and naive 

I came to find my other half....

No brother..

I found my other half....

No...

So I walked away.. 

Tossed the rose down 

As his body was being lowered into the ground

All he said was...

Brother welcome Home....

Abandonment

Abandoned 

When abandoned us 

You left me 

You left mom 

You left the baby 

You left us 

Along with everything you ever had

You left all of this....

For a girl who won't ever love you

You sacrificed the love we have for you 

Our trust in you 

Our family 

And our Happiness

You left us 

Now all of a sudden you want us back 

Remember you abandoned us 

And everything we loved 

So we abandon you

In your time of need

Where were you when mom died 

You were gambling with our hearts in Vegas  

All for that woman 

Whose heart will never b truly yours

Where were you when I graduated 

That's right you were buying a third house for the women who plays you daily 

The house that she brings men to stay for the night

So she can Cheat on you and Play you 

And now your here 

Right in Front of me

The man who caused us so much pain

The man who ruined our lives 

The man who left us to die 

Struggle 

and fend for ourselves

without looking back

Now you want us back

You abandoned us remember 

You left us remember 

You forgot us 

 Hated us

So now I abandon you 

We abandoned you

I left.... 

They left....

Never looked back

We learned from the best 

Learned how to move on 

How to forget 

And how to abandon....

You..

We will never come bk 

Abandonment is no game 

Either

You choose to leave 

Or 

Stay and roll the dice

Do you leave or roll the dice and take a chance?

But no matter the choice 

You should always stay and finish 

What you have started 

Or what you start could finish you 

In the end 

Why I smile......

 People ask me how am I so strong,

when they expect me to be so weak

I am weak

You just cant see it

Why are you always smiling?

 

People ask me how are you always smiling

When you should be crying

I am crying

But on the inside

Why are you always smiling?

I smile to give myself strength 

I smile to give myself hope

But constantly fail.

Yet they still ask why I smile

And if I dare tell I know they wont understand

Why I smile

Why are you always smiling?

I smile to escape from my demons

but they always come back stronger

I smile out of pain and false hope

 

They continue to ask me 

Why I always smile

How I seem so strong 

When on the inside I feel like dying 

They haven't stop stopped asking 

Why I am always smiling

Pain is the reason why I smile...

But i can't tell them that

So they continue to ask why I smile...

They have never stopped.... 

 

Why fight

Why Fight???

Why fight for something that wasn't yours to fight for?

Why fight for something you never had?

Why miss something you never knew?

Why fight for a love that’s not felt?

Why care for something that does not care for you?

Why fight a battle that can never be won?

Why live to die, when people are dying to live?

Why?

Why fear what is covered in light but not what is covered

in darkness?

Why fear salvation when when you should fear your impending

damnation?

Why fear your creator when you should fear your destroyer?

Why fight a battle you know you cannot win?

Why?

Why hurt the ones you love when it should be the ones you hate?

Why say you love someone when you don't?

Why raise someone and then say, that you didn't raise them?

Why would the bully, victimize, when the bully is being haunted by

their own demons?

Why fix what can't be salvaged?

Why?

Why take a life when you soon won’t have one of your own?

Why shed a tear when its not yours to shed?

Why miss something you never knew?

Why fear death if it can be your only salvation?

Why?

Why celebrate life when it causes so much pain?

Why cause suffering if you can't handle you own?

why mourn what never perished?

Why live when you can soon die?

Why? Why?

Why live when you are slowly and bitterly dying?

Why love the unlovable?

Why even try?

Why live to die but not die to live?

Why?

Why be scared of something that is so merciless, broken and cruel when you know not true?

Why care for something that doesn't care for you?

Why lie when the truth is already announced?

Why trust the unworthy?

Why live when when you know you cannot create life?

Why live when you know you're gonna die?

Why?